Adaptation

  • Old patterns of feeling and thought are sticky.
  • “Bad habits” and “mental illness” are often us using old patterns that don’t fit anymore.
  • We can decide for ourselves what new adaptations to make and how to make them.

For most people, the basic problem is that we’re trying to manage current stressors using old coping strategies and defense mechanisms that no longer work, or never really did. Maybe we haven’t noticed that things have changed. Maybe we’re not able to adapt without help. Maybe part of us is afraid of changing away from the old, safe habits we know so well.

In my experience, it is possible to find and learn new patterns at any age. So, a big part of my approach to psychotherapy is helping you find those patterns, and supporting you as you integrate them into your emotional and mental life.

Therapy That Fits You

  • Different people need different therapeutic approaches.
  • Making the method fit you, not fitting you into the method.

Different people work differently. Some people are brain-first, and some people are body-first. Some are full of memories and associations to the past, and others are focused only on the present. Some people are scientists, some are philosophers; some are bookkeepers, others are artists, and most of us are somewhere in between.

So this aspect, the first and most important one, has much less to do with how I approach things than it does with who you are and how you tick.

The fact that there are parts of how you do things that cause you problems doesn’t mean you have to throw it all away and become a totally new person. We just have to figure out what your specific issues are and find the right way to solve them.

There are many ways of looking at this, and there are many possible things we can try that might help. Part of my job is to use my broad understanding of psychology, philosophy, spirituality, science, art, music, and literature to help you hone in on the idea, method, or perspective that is actually going to help you make the changes you want to make.

Emotional Health

  • Mental health = Emotional health.
  • Thoughts and behaviours are ways of managing emotions.
  • Therapy happens where thoughts and feelings meet.

Our problematic habits and patterns are first and foremost ways of managing our emotions, particularly unwanted ones. Put simply, our “bad habits” are ways of resolving a bad feeling right now, be it through alcohol, anger, avoidance, or any of a thousand different things. This is why “bad” habits are so hard to break: they make us feel better (before they make us feel worse).

So really, when people are talking about mental health, they actually mean emotional health, and specifically: emotional self-regulation that makes you feel better, not worse. Therapy, then, is the process of understanding your emotions and finding ways of expressing and/or resolving them in productive, non-destructive ways.

Emotional Messages

  • Your emotions and thoughts are you telling yourself how you feel about things.
  • Therapy is about learning to hear and understand these messages.

The first task is to understand what emotions are and what they do. Basically, your emotions are messages from your body to your brain about the total state of your organs, muscles, and nerves, and whether your the basic needs are being met. They’re also an assessment of the world around you, telling you what you like, what you don’t like, and what you want to change.

Moving towards emotional health is about re-learning how to interpret the emotional messages you are sending yourself, and then building the confidence to act on them productively. Rather than simply being “triggered” by something, you can interpret your feelings as a suggestion, not a command, and decide for yourself if and how you want to react to a given situation.

3 Basic Steps

  • Description, Identification, Implementation
  • Framework, not rules.
  • Cultivating curiosity and interest in yourself and how you work.

Most of us haven’t been taught how to listen to and interpret our emotions, let alone how to act upon them in a way that is actually satisfying. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn, but you will have to put effort into practicing new ways of listening to yourself. There are three basic aspects to this, description, identification, implementation.

Description

  • What is happening and what are you feeling?
  • What memories and thoughts come up?
  • How do you express yourself and what do you do?
  • How do other people react and how do you wish they would?
  • What do you wish you could do or say, and what would happen if you said it?

Identification

  • What are the central patterns and how did you learn them?
  • How are you trying to help yourself, and is it working?
  • Are there better ways of approaching things?
  • Which ones feel like they will work for you?
  • Where can you start using them?

Implementation

  • Are things actually going the way you want them to?
  • What resistance are you encountering and how are you feeling in the process?
  • Is the resistance coming from within you, or from other people?
  • How can we make things easier?
  • Do you like the way things are going?

The Process

From there the process is one of iteration and practice. Encountering new situations and interpreting them in terms of what you have learned, and entering familiar situations with the possibility of doing things differently.

As you do this over and over in your daily life, you begin to feel more competent and confident in yourself and the decisions you make. Because you better understand what you’re doing and why, anxiety fades and depression lifts.

There are no shortcuts, and it is neither quick, nor easy; but it works.

Therapeutic Modalities

If you would like to read a general description of the specific therapeutic ideas and methods that my approach is built on, feel free to have a look at the following pages:

Contact Me for a Consultation

If any of what I’ve said here resonates and you would like to have a consultation, feel free to send me a note using the contact box in the sidebar on the left, or the form on my Contact Page.

Consultations are always no cost and carry no obligation for more sessions if you feel like we’re not the right fit. If you’d like some more information about how I approach consultations and some things to think about before we speak, please have a look at my Consultation Page.